HEARTC♡RE

Free Palestine

SOTU Monday, October 16, 2023

Hi all,

I hopped on to share the thoughts and emotions of my heavy heart. A Hamas led attack on Israel has led to a humanitarian crisis - Israel committing war crimes against the people of Gaza.

Although I am focused on work during the day, at night when I have a chance to scroll through social media uninterrupted - I am a witness to all the atrocities being inflicted on the Palestinian people. The content and stories being shared are overwhelming and heartbreaking. I do not want to dive into the details as I am sure if you are reading this you are aware and can see for yourself (although I must say I am shocked, albeit shouldn't be, by the propaganda and misinformation from the Israeli government, the US, and the mainstream media).

I am asking myself - why do I feel this crisis on such a deep level when other current events of human suffering and oppression are so rampant? I understand that some get more publicized online than others, but that should not make a difference to it's effect on my conscious. . . .

But whether it's right or not, like many things in life for many of us, there is a personal and longstanding connection to Palestine in my life. It has only been a little more than 10 years since I became aware of the movement to free Palestine, all my adult life, but it was the first movement where I truly connected with a cause of that magnitude - apartheid, oppression, genocide, war crimes, torture, surveillance state, and just what it means to live in an occupied state where there is no freedom, no opportunity, and have your life and your family's lives in the hands of government, military, and often times civilians who want you wiped off the face of the earth. . . . the statements I read then and have read now . . . I just cannot do them justice with my insignificant words.

I am grappling with my anger and hopelessness for those that are living this reality of colonization and oppression and also questioning what I am doing to contribute to help.

The weather has cooled down here and I am in long sleeves, pants, thick socks and under three layer of blankets. . . just thinking of those poor children and the community in the rubble and cold. . . with no water, food, power, or medical supplies. . . is this just it? For one, I listen to their stories, what were their hopes and dreams so they can know that they were heard if even just by me. . . I donated a measly $20 to a charity. . . via Paypal with a delivery ETA of sometime in late November. . . (it is mid-October) that really just pissed me off. . . but as of now no aid can enter Gaza anyways so I guess it doesn't make a difference . . .but is this just it? Is this all I can do? Will calling make a difference when President Biden is standing behind Israel 100% and sending military backup and millions, if not billions, of dollars??

In a way it takes me back to the university days where I could dream a little bigger - think more radically and involved and have a hunger to make a difference . . . while now, not so much, sometimes do the disservice of scrolling away from news (it's not hard to take a moment to listen and learn of the stories in my cushy and comfortable room or office).

For a couple years now I have debated and wondered if having children is something that I want in my life. Is it selfish, is it natural? I know the world and the economy are always going to be fucked in one way or another - but that doesn't mean that I should want to raise children in it. And as someone that is currently okay with taking the that childless path - I wonder if this is my opportunity or calling to change my trajectory to doing something bigger than myself. It is hard to think that one can make a difference . . . coupled with my own self doubt of what the fuck can I do. . but then it's like WELL SHIT people do it all the time and make a difference (because if they didn't then this world would be fucked 100000 times more and I recognize there are some very beautiful things and in some ways getting better). And even if it's not ground breaking contributions - just touching a few lives . . . isn't that more than enough?

I am not sure, where I am headed with all this - but it is something that I just had to get off my chest and maybe help my mind stop racing and spinning in circles. I think I just have way more to think about then I have allowed myself to these last few years.

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Summer is around the corner. . . .

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

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Sensory Overload

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

The last few weeks I've been asking myself - What changes am I going through that are affecting the way I process sensory events? Am I developing some sensitivity issues? Why am I getting overwhelmed easily?

Regular rowdy interactions with my family in the kitchen? We gotta tone it down.

Driving to work on a chilly January morning, should I turn on the heat? No, I already have my podcast playing, I don't want to process warm air blowing on me (??) so I'll stay cold (??).

. . . . . . but yet, as I type this after a busy day at work - I can reflect on all the ways I'm pulled left and right, clicking here, clacking there. What Sense is ~work~? Hearing and Touch? I'll be at work with 3 screens, 60WPM, music playing, a fan blowing on my face, ~~listening~~ hearing the person who just walked into my office. Maybe I pick and choose when I want to be chill? . . . . it's almost like that's a normal bodily function . . . to pick and choose when to do things . . . according to the different variables of day to day life. . . BUT ANYWAYS -

My goal was to come up with a hypothesis on why I am being more sensitive to my surroundings.

My first hypothesis

Questions: Does age affect sensory processing or sensitivity?

Hypothesis: Sensory sensitivity is heightened at a medium age of 26, and is a jagged line across a human's life graph.

Observations? Disclaimer: All my data is based of off my uneducated observations and minimal life experience.

X - Ages 0-70

Y - Sensory (blue line is ability to process stimulation cognitively, yellow line is ability to process simulation physically)

My graph is neither mathematically correct and probably not even consistent within itself but it took me 20 minutes so you will look at it.

SUMMARY: As you can see above, for someone who is neurotypical and able bodied, the yellow line (process physically) starts less than average. When you're a baby your sensory skills are still developing for a bit, then you go pretty average in hearing, touch, taste, etc. and then as you age it starts to drop down - you have trouble hearing, your hands shaking when you try to sign your checkbook from 1983, you can eat a carrot for dinner because everything tastes the same, etc. For the blue line, life is crazy and you just go up and down on how much stimulation you wanna take depending on your age and status.

EXTENDED VERSION:

Blue line, you're a baby, you're new to this world, and your blue line is elevated because you're trying to fucking sleep and one wrong footstep and you're awake and fussy, that Gerber food your mom feeds you? MID, the cat you just petted? holy shit the softest thing you've ever felt, can't go to a sports game, or if you do, you gotta wear those baby earmuffs.

Then you're a toddler and in elementary school - sensitivity? it's out the DOOR, it dips down. You're fucking yelling, jumping off walls, yodeling into your parent's ear, you got slime in your nose, a rusty nail just pierced the sole of your foot - who cares!

Then you're in middle school, you're chill. you're calm. you're cool. you're collected (minus those kids yelling at 12am playing COD or whatever they do).

Then you're college aged, that shit dips down again. You're at the club, dancing on a table, drinking god knows what as long as it's cheap, you're spending the night in god knows where. Overstimulation Nation.

Then you're in your mid to late 20s- your body's catching up to you, you're trying to flex that you're a grandma, you want to get your 8 hours in, you're perfecting your self care routine, wanna to lead a minimalist lifestyle. You're closing the door on those stimulations (I think that's where I am on the graph).

Then you can take a little bit more, you have kids or friends with kids so you got no choice but to take stimulation. You got some more money so you can go back out to the world and experience.

Then, and I don't think it happens to all of us, but you hit Karen mode. No explanation needed.

BUT THEN per my yellow line your body just starts shutting down and you don't even have a choice of how much stimulation you want cause guess what? You can't feel shit anymore.

My second theory after my mini aha moment in the first paragraph- maybe I am allocating my sensory bandwidth to 8am-5pm Monday through Friday?

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

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Call Me Doug Stimadome

thoughts Wednesday, January 06, 2021

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Happy New Year- 2021!

Friday, January 01, 2021

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Quarantine: Week Five

daily Monday, April 13, 2020

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Drive 🚘

self care Saturday, January 04, 2020

Happy New Year! Posting some art from artist, Stephanie Deangelis that I loved.

I came to the conclusion that the question of the . . . week? is "what drives me?" I say "week" because I do not have the month or year to figure this out.

Staffing/recruiting is not like an administrative role where, simply put, you have a list of tasks to complete to reach your goal. Recruiting is like sales, the more work/effort you input the more success/commission you output. This is fairly new to me. I do think it really is like sales, and I like what I'm selling :)

literally me at work though

In the spirit of the New Year, my ultimate goal (as it should be) is to increase my results at work. My company (God bless em') doesn't use specific metrics against us. Of course there are expectations for my team, but not individual numbers. I want to create my own personal metrics that align with my potential and strengths. But before I can even get there, I need intrinsic motivation: numbers are not enough.

This is something I have struggled with since my freshman year of college. It began with "what" and ''why" for my degree. Then, "what" and "why" for a career field. Now that I'm in a role that I enjoy the question is just "why". I've just never been able to relate with someone that knows exactly what they want or have a motivation at the very least.

Arguments of whether or not the Myers-Briggs Personalities are scientifically accurate aside, I'm an ESFJ. I remember reading that if you fall into that personality type, your values are most likely dictated by societal norms rather than strong personal conviction. I do feel like that sounds too harsh, but the ESFJ personality is very social and can depend a lot on the people that surround them for direction and affirmation. In regards to motivation and drive, I think that we might focus more on what others want from us or where we think they would like us that we might not get the chance to develop intrinsic motivation as well as our independent counterparts.

To address whether or not Myers-Briggs Personality types are accurate- I don't know. I haven't had a chance to truly research it or to know if they even meant it to be seen as 7.5 billion people boxed into 16 categories. What I do know is that when I was younger I swore by it and just thought it was me to a T. Now, I am definitely more complex, or even different, than the profile would suggest. Regardless, if you take the test it can give you an idea of some personality traits you possess. You can read into it and get some insight into potential weakness, strengths, relationships, and habits.

For my degree, I was motivated to attend college because it would make my parents happy. And while I enjoyed academia, I did have difficulties towards the end and I think only crossed the finish line for their sake. For work, I went with the flow and got a job because it's what was the next step. I've always said I've been very lucky and I've enjoyed every single one of my previous roles, ones I've applied for and otherwise.

In school, I would work hard for group projects, but sabotage myself when it was an individual assignment. I could technically use the same motivation I always have and focus on contributing to my team, but it's just not going to cut it this time. And I get so frustrated thinking about it. I almost wish I had negative reinforcements to spark a fire under my ass. Three motivations off the top of my head- earn more money, help others gain financial and job security, improve my skills and gain experience. I want all these things, but nothing really sparks something inside.

Now I am questioning myself- do I need something to spark?? And speaking of sparks- is it that I need something that I'm super passionate about?? Maybe, but guess what? I don't have anything I'm passionate about! Lol. I am where I want to be.

That last sentence made me realize something. Being where I want to be, I can truly use it as a start line to plan for my life for the next couple years. Evaluate what I really want and how this fits into that future. Instead of making my job the only priority and shaping my life around it, I need to gear this role towards helping me paint the bigger picture. I guess that's kind of obvious- but I'm really struggling here people! I guess I need to spell it out for myself. It'll still be difficult because I obviously don't know what I want, but I think that's where I need to start.

I began this role in fall of last year and can use the end of the year as the official end of the beginner phase and mindset. I definitely want to start with creating input metrics to follow. Look into that bigger picture shit and see if I can find something that's like THIS, I want THIS.

*SCREAMS INTO THE VOID*

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Recruitin'

work Saturday, December 14, 2019

I wish I had spent my evening reading, relaxing, feeling aesthetic, but I've been watching Real Housewives of Atlanta and scrolling through Reddit instead. I also bought a great smelling candle at TJ Maxx, but it burns so slow and low I can't smell it . . .

I don't think I've mentioned it here yet, but I was promoted a couple months ago and now I'm in a recruiting role. I work at an employment agency so we're always recruiting for a variety of positions and clients. Of course we find qualified candidates for our clients is by searching on those job/resume databases and calling them and see if they are interested in the opportunities we have available.

I remember once I was at home after a long day and I'm like, "man! what can be an easier way to get great candidates?" And I sat there and this light bulb just lit up in my head and I thought- what if, now bear with me here, but WHAT IF we could have an online platform where we could write a description of the responsibilities and duties the position would entail, we could write the location of the company, as well as the schedule and financial compensation. THAT WAY IF YOU FIT THE QUALIFICATIONS, YOU'RE AVAILABLE TO WORK THE SCHEDULE AND YOU CAN MAKE THAT COMMUTE AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THE HOURLY RATE YOU CAN APPLY AND BE CONSIDERED FOR THE POSITION. And then it hit me that that already exists and it's called an AD.

Why did it feel like a brand new idea? Because job postings work like 50% of the time. This isn't at the people that are shooting a bit higher and are applying for a position that requires a more experience than they have.

I'm talking about you Carol, who can't work past 6PM (even though it said the schedule was 12PM-9PM) and can't go below $19/hr (even though the ad says it was $15/hr). And when I contact you, you tell me oh no no you can't do all that LIKE YOU WEREN'T THE ONE WHO APPLIED TO THIS POSITION?

I'm not mad though 🙃

It's been about three months now and I am so happy in my new role. I still have days where I question if I'm good enough for the position, whether I can deliver those results, is my progress fast enough? Really my goal is to be a well oiled machine and do it all. I think I've realized that my strength (or what comes easiest), is the administrative side. I love charts, workflows, and audits, but I don't want to focus too much on that and get discouraged on my recruiting abilities. I'm getting there though! Hopefully we can start 2020 with a bang.

My company is majority women (100% women when I started in January) and my core team are two other women. They've both said that when they started they were a bit hesitant about working with all women, but we get along SO well and I legit love both of them. Even when I was at the front, part of the admin team, we were tight (still are but don't interact as much). I can't imagine going to work when you don't get along with your coworkers (I'm sure ya'll can). Love my manager and the rest of the staffing team so externally everything is great- just gotta work on myself.

Edit: I have a conspiracy theory that there are people planted on ZipRecruiter whose sole purpose is to get scheduled for interviews AND NO SHOW. Have a great weekend.

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