HEARTC♡RE

Thursday October 1st is coming to an end, which means were closing day 1 of Q4. Earlier this week when I realized we only had 3 months of the year left I felt so disappointed and regretful. I was looking forward to 2026 like I had never looked forward to a year before. I had so many high hopes and expectations, and now 75% of the year is gone and not only have my goals not been reached, I feel further away from them. Quite literally, fully responsible for not advancing - I can't even blame life or unexpected circumstances. 

The only thing I feel different today vs earlier this week is that I feel a little hopeful. . . okay not hopeful at all, but positive in what is to come the end of the year and what has happened. Because naturally I am so grateful for every day of life - health, family, friends, relationships, experience, etc. It's been great year so far, it just hasn't necessarily been a successful one. 

This week in photos:

1. Post eye appointment Krispy Kreme taste test - Biscoff donut, new Cinnamon roll, and original glazed. Also, it was National Coffee day so the small coffee (black) was free. 

2. Los Hambrientos weekly dinner - this week was El Rey del Taco (10/10). I couldn't have a margarita because I wanted to take a break from the alcohol. Paco ordered one and it was soooooo good - strawberry flavored. I had the carnitas taco plate - which came with 3 HUGE tacos, topped with guacamole, and served with a side of frijoles charros. 

3. $90 Costco haul for the week. 

I think I might've talked about this before, but I know we ALL say "oh I listen to just about everything" or "wow the way my playlist just flips from one genre to another is crazzayzyayzy". Yes that's normal Susie because we listen to different music for different occasions. 

PREFACE: oh my god - in my entire writing history, I have not seen a BETA features notification on this site. Is the Blogger department of Google seeing substack's rise and want to compete against it?? Please say it so, I want the blogspot to live on!!

THIS LIBRA NEEDS TO GO TO THERAPY

Anyways, the amount of self-regulating that I have had to do in 2026 is unmatched to previous years. I can't say I have a mental illness, I also can't say I don't have a mental illness. 

Maybe I am just hormonal, I think that's what it is - and it makes me feel crazy. I have moments where I feel like I must be pregnant because I am so out of control... and even when I have moments where I know I - biologically - cannot be pregnant, I take a pregnancy test because with my luck I'm either the next virgin birth or a sperm from last year clung onto my labia and finally made its way in. 

Regardless, I need to go to therapy but I rather spend my money on marga-therapy (margarita therapy) right now. The last time I checked in with a counseling group, it was going to be $135 a session. I really did not want to start with (a well referred) therapist when I knew it was not going to be financially sustainable for me. I guess once a month therapy is better than no therapy? .. Okay, what I will do is look for a more affordable therapist in the next couple weeks and hopefully get something on the schedule. I am long overdue for professional help. 

In other news! My birthday is one week from now - excited about turning 32!! Stressed about how to spend my weekend, because I haven't gathered my thoughts on HOW EXACTLY I want to spend it but there's an outline. I just need to confirm said outline. 

THE NAILS HAVE HILLS

What I do know, is that I am going to be serving my nail tech, DN, with a lawsuit this week. She went on maternity leave, and I did not listen to her on booking with the salon owner Tony, and I did a walk in and was BOTCHED. I honestly can't even say, and I am sorry I ever did say, that I am chill because I was having an internal meltdown (SELF REGULATING though) as the nail tech was working, I can't remember exactly what DN does but it was definitely not what this lady was doing. Wrong techniques, wrong products, wrong angles, wrong wrong wrong. And you know I am not gonna say anything and pretend I am happy - they actually weren't THAT bad (at least on my left hand), but the cherry on top was toooo much clear coat so I have small hills at the tip of my right side nails. I believe I will be going tomorrow and just ask to have it smoothed out.... or should I go somewhere else and get a completely different set? The lady did just try the best she could. And she said so.

Even my fingers dried shriveled up through the process.

SHE'S KYLIE JENNER (WITH COUPONS)

Speaking of BOTCHED ... I got my first lip filler last week!! I have been thinking about it for the longest, but when Karen mentioned her and her cousin were chatting about it too - I was like LETS DO IT. I was able to take the plunge because I had an upcoming Botox appointment and did a mini consult with my injector. Then there was a Juvederm filler $75 BOGO gift card, then I have $20 in ALLE points, then I did a surprise ALLE scan and got $50 off!!! and my family (jokingly but not jokingly) was requested to all provide $50 each for my birthday lip donation. All aligned for me to say YES TO THE LIPS. 

So I look in the mirror and I am like OMG LOVE!! Then I am like OMG WTF DID I DO!! Rinse and repeat!! I have a week or two left until all the filler settles and I can see my permanent (1 year or so) results. I think I will do a separate post on my lips - more to come!! Oh also, they are not botched... or at least I don't think so. I just get thoughts that I am botched, but it's because I have anxiety. . or maybe they're just normal thoughts you go through as your swelling goes down!

DUCK DUCK GO

As I was writing this post, I realized it was a very DUCK themed weekend. Which reminded me of all the drinks that I have had, which are in turn causing me to gain weight. It's been a very heavy caloric month. Note: I also need to go to therapy for my intense and all consuming fixation on my weight and eating habits. I truly don't think I will ever know freedom. I hope I can look back at this post one day and know I beat the psychosis, but the future is bleak. I truly believe my food noise and whatever else that carries is an illness/addiction for the rest of my life - and if so, I HAVE accepted that, I just need to figure out how to cope and live with it. Back to DUCKS though... have you ever had a soft serve margarita?? I've had 3 the month of September and they were GLORIOUS each time. Highly recommend. I also got a little bouquet of flowers at like 12AM at a local Mexican bar. The kind where a lady comes and is selling them to... couples she spots (*eyes emoji*). I told my company - NO NO BOUQUETS THIS TIME - and when the lady approached us... and I saw the glowing duck... I said "I'll have this one". Geniuses! Did you know... it also comes with a snack pack?? Oh my god - GLORIOUS x2. I swore I took a photo, but I could not find it. The little zip lock bag packed tightly around the stems came with Queso Ruffles, a nut mix, mini twix, mini snickers, starbursts, and x2 mints. I am grateful for all the new experiences September has brought me. Maybe more on that later.. maybe. 

The duck gods treated me well this weekend.

Until next time... (I promise I will look for a therapist, but note I am also hyped on caffeine).

 

 My head is pounding from too much screen time today, but I must get this off my chest.

I was mourning the loss of my love for tiki drinks today. The only one that comes to my mind that wil make me think twice is the piña colada. . . 

If you don't know what a tiki drink it's a tropical cocktail, you know the ones: lots of rums, juices, syrups, fun garnishes, vibey cups. Oh my gosh I miss you tiki drinks. I think I was completely turned off from them when I went through my "prioritize blood sugar at any cost" phase. And now they're just a lil too sweet and thiyck for me. . . and yet, my body yearns for a neon colored swirly straw . . . an umbrella . .. a fruit wedge, a sunset gradient, a hollowed coconut . . . don't even get me started on the guy who carries all the tiki drinks on his back: 

Polynesian people - please weigh in on your opinion of ceramic tiki cups and go ahead and give me your take on the commercial Tiki culture as whole.

 So I am sitting here reading up on the 7 Wonders of the World because I wanted to write a post on how random they seemed to me. Well just now a car alarm starts ringing and it gives me a sudden deep anxiety. Thankfully, I think it will subside when I forget in the next 15 minutes but let me tell you. 

I was in the office yesterday and I asked one of my coworkers how they were doing mentally and emotionally (I know they're dealing with depression). They go on to tell me a story of how they went to brunch and apparently high ranking air force officers sat next to them and were chatting about recent drone attacks to our local air-force base that were intercepted. Okay that was a RUN ON sentence. Anyways, coworker continues about this and how it made them really nervous. They also shared what they have seen on social media - calling this the armageddon war or something, the need to pack a "go" or "emergency" bag, how foreign countries are going to hit US soil, how neighboring countries have missiles or weapons from our "enemies" etc etc. I hear them out and empathize with their anxiety, but also take it with a grain of salt because healthy amount of skepticism. Right after, they say sorry if they are making me nervous or worried to which I responded that no, I was fine. Which I was. 

Today I went to Target with Karen and we heard a random alarm (almost like the tornado warning). It was low and distant. My first thought is the local air force base since it's just about a mile or two north (Lockheed Martin also has a site there). Then an hour later I was driving out of my neighborhood and saw two military helicopters flying over head and got sick. Mind you - we live so close to the base I see military aircraft pretty often. Shoot, I can hear the base's 8AM Revielle call. We're that close. But with the context of my coworkers story and the random alarm it just makes my mind wander. (does someone know what this alarm is? It's Tuesday and it was a little after 7pm.

But anyways - now I'm triggered by a car alarm. 

I just remember years and years ago when someone said during an attack they would probably hit this local base. It was kind of an LOL moment them because it had 0 likelihood. 

The saddest part is that when I think of how war on our soil would turn into a living hell - and I just think of the reality that others are living RIGHT NOW. And it makes me FUCKING SICK. So so sick. And I struggle with do I want to know, do I need to know, should I know, etc. You can't turn a blind eye and pretend nothing's happening and live in your little blissful bubble. Maybe you just don't dwell on it to the point of sickness? My solution is always to donate to relief funds - making a tangible impact, but unfortunately my financial situation isn't in a position to do that right now :-(. 

Back to war here - this is truly one of my top reasons not to have kids. In any sort of conflict or natural disaster, I could not imagine having to worry about them starving or their psychological state - I can worry about my parents and my siblings! I know, it's a very exaggerated/unlikely/dramatic reason but I think about it often enough. One thing that gives me solace was a Reddit thread I once read on the unimaginable capability of the US military. . .  hope they're right. And if that story about the officers are just chatting casually about attacks is true - and not a prank or something because it really just sounds off??? Does something like that happen often enough that we don't know but it's just another Wednesday to them?? IDK. 

OKAY I went to Reddit and the lil users pointed out the following, at least on Iran - Iran missiles lack the range to attack, their military does not have that capability, if there is anything it's from sleeper cells or small groups - sort of the domestic terrorist type (which I can see happening but that's isolated). Funny enough - something about an isolated attack doesn't make me too nervous? Like we're a big country with resources and if I'm gone I'm gone. And actually, let's say a country did decide to attack the US and it caught us off guard - I think they'd do like one big thing (not anxiety inducing to me) and then the military would take care of it.... okay we're totally good. My mind went to apocalyptic levels. 

Phew - I am keeping this up but now I feel kinda silly for being worried :-D LOL. I know I just wrote a sentence above and it was like 3 redditor comments but it gave me more context to the whole situation and the high unlikelihood of anything happening here. I really wonder what was up with that brunch conversation and I feel so sad for my coworker who is probably just RIDDLED with anxiety (it was this and the state of our economy as a single parent). I also find it so interesting . .. . I mean I KNOW. . . that we all have different social media feeds (DUH!) but something niche where there's a group who's reality is ARMAGEDDON is coming and I am here like .... just here thinking about getting skinny and living whimsy. UGH. If you read this far - thanks for staying for my therapy session. So glad I brought myself down - thank you to writing!!! 

picking a far away in history hand to hand combat war photo so it doesn't feel real :D

Yes I have ANXIETYYYY.

OKAY BTW ALSO COMMENT - how way off or not way off am I? What's going on that I am not getting or don't know. Am I delusional. Am I coping. Let me know, plsss.