Hi all,

I hopped on to share the thoughts and emotions of my heavy heart. A Hamas led attack on Israel has led to a humanitarian crisis - Israel committing war crimes against the people of Gaza. 

Although I am focused on work during the day, at night when I have a chance to scroll through social media uninterrupted - I am a witness to all the atrocities being inflicted on the Palestinian people. The content and stories being shared are overwhelming and heartbreaking. I do not want to dive into the details as I am sure if you are reading this you are aware and can see for yourself (although I must say I am shocked, albeit shouldn't be, by the propaganda and misinformation from the Israeli government, the US, and the mainstream media). 

I am asking myself - why do I feel this crisis on such a deep level when other current events of human suffering and oppression are so rampant? I understand that some get more publicized online than others, but that should not make a difference to it's effect on my conscious. . . .

But whether it's right or not, like many things in life for many of us, there is a personal and longstanding connection to Palestine in my life. It has only been a little more than 10 years since I became aware of the movement to free Palestine, all my adult life, but it was the first movement where I truly connected with a cause of that magnitude - apartheid, oppression, genocide, war crimes, torture, surveillance state, and just what it means to live in an occupied state where there is no freedom, no opportunity, and have your life and your family's lives in the hands of government, military, and often times civilians who want you wiped off the face of the earth. . . . the statements I read then and have read now . . . I just cannot do them justice with my insignificant words. 

I am grappling with my anger and hopelessness for those that are living this reality of colonization and oppression and also questioning what I am doing to contribute to help. 

The weather has cooled down here and I am in long sleeves, pants, thick socks and under three layer of blankets. . . just thinking of those poor children and the community in the rubble and cold. . . with no water, food, power, or medical supplies. . . is this just it? For one, I listen to their stories, what were their hopes and dreams so they can know that they were heard if even just by me. . . I donated a measly $20 to a charity. . . via Paypal with a delivery ETA of sometime in late November. . . (it is mid-October) that really just pissed me off. . . but as of now no aid can enter Gaza anyways so I guess it doesn't make a difference . . .but is this just it? Is this all I can do? Will calling make a difference when President Biden is standing behind Israel 100% and sending military backup and millions, if not billions, of dollars?? 

In a way it takes me back to the university days where I could dream a little bigger - think more radically and involved and have a hunger to make a difference . . . while now, not so much, sometimes do the disservice of scrolling away from news (it's not hard to take a moment to listen and learn of the stories in my cushy and comfortable room or office). 

For a couple years now I have debated and wondered if having children is something that I want in my life. Is it selfish, is it natural? I know the world and the economy are always going to be fucked in one way or another - but that doesn't mean that I should want to raise children in it. And as someone that is currently okay with taking the that childless path - I wonder if this is my opportunity or calling to change my trajectory to doing something bigger than myself. It is hard to think that one can make a difference  . . . coupled with my own self doubt of what the fuck can I do. . but then it's like WELL SHIT people do it all the time and make a difference (because if they didn't then this world would be fucked 100000 times more and I recognize there are some very beautiful things and in some ways getting better). And even if it's not ground breaking contributions - just touching a few lives . . . isn't that more than enough? 

I am not sure, where I am headed with all this - but it is something that I just had to get off my chest and maybe help my mind stop racing and spinning in circles. I think I just have way more to think about then I have allowed myself to these last few years.