HEARTC♡RE

Yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday, and like every other year I opted out of watching the game (Usher's half time show wasn't enough to reel me in). I spent the evening with my brother and as we were driving back home from an empty Target, I told him how I was well into my 20s when I made the connection that the SpongeBob Bubble Bowl episode was about the Super Bowl. And it's not even a reference or inspired by - they are LITERALLY playing at a Super Bowl game (ugly looking fish and all). And as it turns out, he, who I consider pretty apt at these kinds of things, came to the same realization at that moment at his 24 years of age, LOL.  Another victim of being raised outside of the all American experience. He did make a small connection of it, but considered it an art imitates life matter - rather than well . . . . . just SpongeBob performing at the half time show.

"Sweet Victory" by Band Geeks 😉 From arguably one of the best SpongeBob episodes to exist. 

Hi all,

I hopped on to share the thoughts and emotions of my heavy heart. A Hamas led attack on Israel has led to a humanitarian crisis - Israel committing war crimes against the people of Gaza. 

Although I am focused on work during the day, at night when I have a chance to scroll through social media uninterrupted - I am a witness to all the atrocities being inflicted on the Palestinian people. The content and stories being shared are overwhelming and heartbreaking. I do not want to dive into the details as I am sure if you are reading this you are aware and can see for yourself (although I must say I am shocked, albeit shouldn't be, by the propaganda and misinformation from the Israeli government, the US, and the mainstream media). 

I am asking myself - why do I feel this crisis on such a deep level when other current events of human suffering and oppression are so rampant? I understand that some get more publicized online than others, but that should not make a difference to it's effect on my conscious. . . .

But whether it's right or not, like many things in life for many of us, there is a personal and longstanding connection to Palestine in my life. It has only been a little more than 10 years since I became aware of the movement to free Palestine, all my adult life, but it was the first movement where I truly connected with a cause of that magnitude - apartheid, oppression, genocide, war crimes, torture, surveillance state, and just what it means to live in an occupied state where there is no freedom, no opportunity, and have your life and your family's lives in the hands of government, military, and often times civilians who want you wiped off the face of the earth. . . . the statements I read then and have read now . . . I just cannot do them justice with my insignificant words. 

I am grappling with my anger and hopelessness for those that are living this reality of colonization and oppression and also questioning what I am doing to contribute to help. 

The weather has cooled down here and I am in long sleeves, pants, thick socks and under three layer of blankets. . . just thinking of those poor children and the community in the rubble and cold. . . with no water, food, power, or medical supplies. . . is this just it? For one, I listen to their stories, what were their hopes and dreams so they can know that they were heard if even just by me. . . I donated a measly $20 to a charity. . . via Paypal with a delivery ETA of sometime in late November. . . (it is mid-October) that really just pissed me off. . . but as of now no aid can enter Gaza anyways so I guess it doesn't make a difference . . .but is this just it? Is this all I can do? Will calling make a difference when President Biden is standing behind Israel 100% and sending military backup and millions, if not billions, of dollars?? 

In a way it takes me back to the university days where I could dream a little bigger - think more radically and involved and have a hunger to make a difference . . . while now, not so much, sometimes do the disservice of scrolling away from news (it's not hard to take a moment to listen and learn of the stories in my cushy and comfortable room or office). 

For a couple years now I have debated and wondered if having children is something that I want in my life. Is it selfish, is it natural? I know the world and the economy are always going to be fucked in one way or another - but that doesn't mean that I should want to raise children in it. And as someone that is currently okay with taking the that childless path - I wonder if this is my opportunity or calling to change my trajectory to doing something bigger than myself. It is hard to think that one can make a difference  . . . coupled with my own self doubt of what the fuck can I do. . but then it's like WELL SHIT people do it all the time and make a difference (because if they didn't then this world would be fucked 100000 times more and I recognize there are some very beautiful things and in some ways getting better). And even if it's not ground breaking contributions - just touching a few lives . . . isn't that more than enough? 

I am not sure, where I am headed with all this - but it is something that I just had to get off my chest and maybe help my mind stop racing and spinning in circles. I think I just have way more to think about then I have allowed myself to these last few years. 

[Lil Rob singing 'SUMMER NIGHTS']

And I am so ready! Like 97.5% of American girlies, I look forward to fall every year. Yes, I salivate for the PSEverything, but this year I add another season that I am hyped for (I appreciate Spring so much and Winter is aight). I know there's people, apart from school aged children, that look forward to summer, but it's a first for me. Summer starts in about a month (June 1) and my mass of thoughts below. 

Kicking it off with - 

1. Last week of May - Texas wedding weekend + road trip home
2. First week of June - Gulf shores beach weekend 

The last few weeks I've been asking myself - What changes am I going through that are affecting the way I process sensory events? Am I developing some sensitivity issues? Why am I getting overwhelmed easily? 

Regular rowdy interactions with my family in the kitchen? We gotta tone it down.

Driving to work on a chilly January morning, should I turn on the heat? No, I already have my podcast playing, I don't want to process warm air blowing on me (??) so I'll stay cold (??).

 . . . . . . but yet, as I type this after a busy day at work - I can reflect on all the ways I'm pulled left and right, clicking here, clacking there. What Sense is ~work~? Hearing and Touch? I'll be at work with 3 screens, 60WPM, music playing, a fan blowing on my face, listening hearing the person who just walked into my office. Maybe I pick and choose when I want to be chill?  . . . . it's almost like that's a normal bodily function . . . to pick and choose when to do things . . . according to the different variables of day to day life. . . BUT ANYWAYS - 

My goal was to come up with a hypothesis on why I am being more sensitive to my surroundings. 

My first hypothesis

Questions: Does age affect sensory processing or sensitivity?

Hypothesis: Sensory sensitivity is heightened at a medium age of 26, and is a jagged line across a human's life graph. 

Observations? Disclaimer: All my data is based of off my uneducated observations and minimal life experience.  

X - Ages 0-70

Y - Sensory (blue line is ability to process stimulation cognitively, yellow line is ability to process simulation physically) 

My graph is neither mathematically correct and probably not even consistent within itself but it took me 20 minutes so you will look at it. 

SUMMARY: As you can see above, for someone who is neurotypical and able bodied, the yellow line (process physically) starts less than average. When you're a baby your sensory skills are still developing for a bit, then you go pretty average in hearing, touch, taste, etc. and then as you age it starts to drop down - you have trouble hearing, your hands shaking when you try to sign your checkbook from 1983, you can eat a carrot for dinner because everything tastes the same, etc. For the blue line, life is crazy and you just go up and down on how much stimulation you wanna take depending on your age and status. 

EXTENDED VERSION: 

Blue line, you're a baby, you're new to this world, and your blue line is elevated because you're trying to fucking sleep and one wrong footstep and you're awake and fussy, that Gerber food your mom feeds you? MID, the cat you just petted? holy shit the softest thing you've ever felt, can't go to a sports game, or if you do, you gotta wear those baby earmuffs. 

Then you're a toddler and in elementary school - sensitivity? it's out the DOOR, it dips down. You're fucking yelling, jumping off walls, yodeling into your parent's ear, you got slime in your nose, a rusty nail just pierced the sole of your foot - who cares! 

Then you're in middle school, you're chill. you're calm. you're cool. you're collected (minus those kids yelling at 12am playing COD or whatever they do).

Then you're college aged, that shit dips down again. You're at the club, dancing on a table, drinking god knows what as long as it's cheap, you're spending the night in god knows where. Overstimulation Nation.

Then you're in your mid to late 20s- your body's catching up to you, you're trying to flex that you're a grandma, you want to get your 8 hours in, you're perfecting your self care routine, wanna to lead a minimalist lifestyle. You're closing the door on those stimulations (I think that's where I am on the graph). 

Then you can take a little bit more, you have kids or friends with kids so you got no choice but to take stimulation. You got some more money so you can go back out to the world and experience. 

Then, and I don't think it happens to all of us, but you hit Karen mode. No explanation needed.

BUT THEN per my yellow line your body just starts shutting down and you don't even have a choice of how much stimulation you want cause guess what? You can't feel shit anymore. 

My second theory after my mini aha moment in the first paragraph- maybe I am allocating my sensory bandwidth to 8am-5pm Monday through Friday?

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. 

 It's Tuesday, Jan 5th. AKA GA Sentate run-off election day. It's 10:46PM- I'm sleepy but I'm cruising through Twitter, Whatsapp, and the news. 

11:28PM and the NYT are projecting Pretty Likely that both of Warnock and Ossof will be taking it home. Whoop Whoop! Still slightly too soon to make the call for Ossof, but everyone is pretty confident. 

12:13AM and I'm on episode 4 of Dream Home Makeover. Waiting for one more update on the election results and I'm going to call it a night. Zzzz.

*Why did this turn into a quasi-twitter feed*